Subject: Hell bitch. I’ll be your much older friend.

We can hang out.

I wear a motherfucking chicken suit. And I use it to play pranks on my local KFC. I go around their store saying “I’m a chicken on steroids!” They call the cops. I run for it down the streets. The cops are forced to chase a man in a chicken suit. I get tasered and start crying. People put it up on youtube. I become a celebrity.

I think what we have together could at least be friendship, but at the very most be true love with lots of mini-golf and butt-sex.

And that would be awesome. Cause I’m really good at mini-golf.

Motherfucker.

Rarely do I receive a message so brilliant that I almost wish I was available and could go on a date with its sender. This is one of those messages.

Subject: hi

woH ! yo yu soundsa very interesting miss nice to great yu to say it PlainLy snappy very nice wordz structure you hav i appreciate originaL creative peopLes that percieve themseLves with the notion and possabiLitie of the chances of oLd soaL or past Lives and dreams i finD peopLe that think aLong these lines much more nutritionaL for conversating purposes lol freshLey inspiring i like yur smiLe… so i wouLd hav to guess you are sumwhat of a aristocatish women in a way?? lol i’m a virgo born on the cusp first day of fall anyway you hav really nice eyes for reaLL aLity im a cLever artist and illustrate anything sweeepn emotions and highLy imaginitive and i purfurr fuN !! more so then mostt hii and bye bye

This message was relatively inoffensive, but reminded me of this one and how much it made my brain hurt. Fail.

Subject: Great Line

Were your parents retarded? ‘Cause you’re special.

Believe it or not, I hear things like this often.

Subject: hey there

Hi honestly i have to ask you this. why a girl that looks like you and have So much to offer with that great smile and does eyes Will ever be looking for MR right. is the world nuts or Wat. honestly. you amazed me. not to be cheese or anything but. woao. Wat you doing this weekend? any plans..

Honestly, you amazed me too.

Woao. Does eyes hurt or Wat.

Subject: beautiful u are..

This message contained the standard, “U r stunning. Would u like to go for coffee sometime?” body text of most other mass appeal pickup lines — which, I can only assume, must be more effective on the average human female than the hopelessly nerdy subsection I belong to.

Tragically, the author is almost certainly unaware of the unintentional appeal he has garnered with his Yoda-like dialogue. Had his message only referenced my resplendent midi-chlorian count or his affinity for interstellar travel, we could be celebrating on the sanctuary moon right now.

Submitter writes: Received this a while back on OkCupid. It was unforgettable.

hello my name is [name] i was born [birthdate] in [city] i grew up in [city] i have light blonde hair blue eyes/glasses i will be 38 in a week from now i like to watch movies collect things like wolves and dolphins i like to listen to alison krauss air supply and john denver i also have bi polar and im taking meds for it im a lonely single guy looking for a lonely single good looking girl if your interested in me i will never hurt you will never lie and will never cheat on you i need someone who will accept me for who i am

Dear reader,

After some considerable sleuthing, we believe we have managed to identify your gentleman caller. See below for details.

Sincerely,

Trip & Tesla

Subject:WoW

i just looked through your profile,and my brain feals like it just ran a marithon slow down

I bet it does, dude. I bet it does.

Subject: Red rum

I like how you colour your eyebrows pink, it’s hot…not many girls go that extra mile.

If I saw you in the streets, I’d ask you if the carpet matches the drapes, the last girl I asked said “actually, it does!” and Im willing to bet it’s the same with you.*

*I’m willing to bet that never actually happened… or, if indeed it did, that her reaction wasn’t nearly as pleasant as you make it out to be.

Shockingly inappropriate crotch contemplations aside, I would like to draw attention to the truly disturbing portion of this message. Red rum? RED RUM?!

Subject: Nice bottle of wine ($25)

An upscale hotel room with a view ($225)
The right woman to enjoy a wonderful evening with (priceless)

If you are adventurous, vivacious and fun, let me know….

You already paid the price – in dignity.

Subject: hi

may i live with you?

As it turns out, unsolicited marriage proposals are quite commonplace in the realm of online dating. However, this is the first suitor to have taken the 38% divorce rate into consideration.

I’ve got to admit, he’s on to something. Why bother with all of that wedding hullabaloo? Hell, while we’re at it, let’s skip the getting-to-know-each-other part, too.