Subject: hi

woH ! yo yu soundsa very interesting miss nice to great yu to say it PlainLy snappy very nice wordz structure you hav i appreciate originaL creative peopLes that percieve themseLves with the notion and possabiLitie of the chances of oLd soaL or past Lives and dreams i finD peopLe that think aLong these lines much more nutritionaL for conversating purposes lol freshLey inspiring i like yur smiLe… so i wouLd hav to guess you are sumwhat of a aristocatish women in a way?? lol i’m a virgo born on the cusp first day of fall anyway you hav really nice eyes for reaLL aLity im a cLever artist and illustrate anything sweeepn emotions and highLy imaginitive and i purfurr fuN !! more so then mostt hii and bye bye

This message was relatively inoffensive, but reminded me of this one and how much it made my brain hurt. Fail.

Subject: hey there

Hi honestly i have to ask you this. why a girl that looks like you and have So much to offer with that great smile and does eyes Will ever be looking for MR right. is the world nuts or Wat. honestly. you amazed me. not to be cheese or anything but. woao. Wat you doing this weekend? any plans..

Honestly, you amazed me too.

Woao. Does eyes hurt or Wat.

Subject: beautiful u are..

This message contained the standard, “U r stunning. Would u like to go for coffee sometime?” body text of most other mass appeal pickup lines — which, I can only assume, must be more effective on the average human female than the hopelessly nerdy subsection I belong to.

Tragically, the author is almost certainly unaware of the unintentional appeal he has garnered with his Yoda-like dialogue. Had his message only referenced my resplendent midi-chlorian count or his affinity for interstellar travel, we could be celebrating on the sanctuary moon right now.

Submitter writes: Received this a while back on OkCupid. It was unforgettable.

hello my name is [name] i was born [birthdate] in [city] i grew up in [city] i have light blonde hair blue eyes/glasses i will be 38 in a week from now i like to watch movies collect things like wolves and dolphins i like to listen to alison krauss air supply and john denver i also have bi polar and im taking meds for it im a lonely single guy looking for a lonely single good looking girl if your interested in me i will never hurt you will never lie and will never cheat on you i need someone who will accept me for who i am

Dear reader,

After some considerable sleuthing, we believe we have managed to identify your gentleman caller. See below for details.

Sincerely,

Trip & Tesla

Subject:WoW

i just looked through your profile,and my brain feals like it just ran a marithon slow down

I bet it does, dude. I bet it does.

Subject: friend or foe??

hi , there i’m looking for friend here , not sh***ing not joking
so let me know

I don’t joke about making friends either. Friends and jokes absolutely do not mix. That shit is serious.

I sincerely hope that you are not sh***ing, whatever sh***ing is. It sounds like it could be painful and/or dangerous.

Subject: greetings

Hey luv, just please to introduce thyself to such beauty and a bonafide man not boy is here to cater to you and treat you like a real woman.

Good morrow, sir. While I am flatter’d, I pray thee not message me again.

Subject: Hi :)

Just wondering if you can help me come up with ways to imrprove my grammer and spelling (other than reading! lol)

*face palm*

People who don’t read should never message me. Ever.

Subject: …

I guess u r lost bcoz I just saw the most wanted angles’ list and u r on top..

I thought I’d never see a pick up line that was worse than this one. Clearly I was mistaken, for I am now blessed with the most wanted “angles.”

Subject: hi!

hello,

my mane is leo.

I’m sure this was meant as an introduction… but it turned out to be something even better.