1THICKR0D: Are you a FUCKER, or a TALKER

I want to believe that the success rate of messages such as this is in the low decimal points of a tiny fraction of a marginal percentage… but if that were truly the case, they wouldn’t keep on coming.

Perhaps we ought to be examining this social scenario from a diametric angle: Who is responding to these messages in a manner that suggests such obnoxiousness is erotic, or even acceptable?

I’d like to meet her and tell her that this website is all her fault.

Subject: Red rum

I like how you colour your eyebrows pink, it’s hot…not many girls go that extra mile.

If I saw you in the streets, I’d ask you if the carpet matches the drapes, the last girl I asked said “actually, it does!” and Im willing to bet it’s the same with you.*

*I’m willing to bet that never actually happened… or, if indeed it did, that her reaction wasn’t nearly as pleasant as you make it out to be.

Shockingly inappropriate crotch contemplations aside, I would like to draw attention to the truly disturbing portion of this message. Red rum? RED RUM?!

Obviously I had to click on the link. Christmas may be over, but I was hoping to catch a glimpse of some holiday junk. Unfortunately, this was all I saw when I logged in:

Sorry, dude. The faint outline of your somewhat impressive penis just doesn’t do it for me. Maybe I’ll check back in a few hours.

Submitter writes:

Although I like to think that my profile was relatively tame, something about it seems to have attracted the following spurt of poetic ejaculation.

She stood silently..motionlessly. Facing a wooden wall cross, she lowered her eyes and opened her heart. She waited. A smell rose to her nostrils, an essence – familiar yet new – her heart jumped in her chest.. and her mind raced. A smell.. a Man.

He approached her with the grace and stealth of a panther.. Dark.. mysterious.. ominously calculating. In spite of her efforts, her breath quickened. She tried desperately to keep control of her body. It was no longer hers.

He did not touch her skin, but instead pushed the hair away from the nape of her neck with one steady finger.. She felt naked. She shuddered, cursing herself for allowing that natural reaction to happen. It betrayed her calm
exterior.. and yet, as it revealed her – it released her.. freed her to explore. She smiled.

His breath caressed her neck, never touching her now warm flesh. She wanted desperately to turn.. to face him.. to look away from the base of the cross, where her gaze had been directed.. moments before. She remained still. And she waited.

It felt like an eternity before he touched her skin.. she was so eager to feel his touch against her that she strained the muscles in her back to meet his hands behind her. He pulled away.. retaining the control and revelling in it. She sighed heavily, letting go of some of the pent up energy and the last bit of control. Her shoulders did not fall, but inside she knew she would have to learn patience to gain pleasure and peace.

He kissed her bare neck..scorching it with his lips. Instinctively, she stood perfectly still.. showing him her desire to obey. He was pleased with her position and rewarded her with a touch.. a gentle, firm touch on both shoulders.. pulling her body back and toward his chest.. Her back lay against him.. and he reached around and caressed her breasts.. cupping them.. feeling
their weight and examining their softness. She kept her hands still at her sides, eyes lowered and half closed.. and watched as his hands explored her. He pinched. He probed, turning each tit up and dropping it .. then picking it up once more by the pink nipple and let it hang there.. She loved this.

Her sex was moist.. sticky between her parted legs… She felt her arousal growing and deepening.. and as she climbed, she became even more aware of her body.. her feet, her legs, the small of her back, her ribs, her shoulder blades.. every part of her was awake.

He held her nipples.. drawing them up and away from her body and she moaned loudly. He twisted them. He squeezed them. She came. She grabbed his thighs from behind her and bend down from the waist.. trying desperately to remain standing..

Would you enjoy being her? :)

I like to think that he sent this as a form letter to every girl on the site.

Trip says: I can see why you would like to think that.

Tesla says: It amuses me that this guy thinks women get excited at the scent of a “Man,” and furthermore, that we climax from nipple twisting. He totally gets us.

Subject: LOL!
I like your profile. I specially like number 4…how many people message u about that?

I have listed 5 prerequisites to messaging me (as if it helps). The fourth states “you must not be looking for the third to your threesome.” I don’t have anything against couples seeking new partners online, I’m just not interested and was receiving a ridiculous amount of requests. So what, he thinks it’s funny, right? Where’s the creepiness? Let me show you, in a series of quotes from this young man’s profile.

Hobbies:
I also like fucking my gf and occasionaly some friends of her lol.

There goes number 4.

I’m really good at:
1)Everything i REALLY like ;-p. 2)Making other people thinking about me. 3)Making my girlfriend cum whenever i want. well you should find out !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NINJA WHATEVER TRUST ME I M WORTH IT IM SUPERMAN TATATATATATA!!!THUNDER THUNDER THUNDER CATS sex sex sex sex sex sex sex

Oh, neat. So I can come whenever you want. That’s what I’ve been looking for in a man.

The six things I could never do without
1) Sex 2)More Sex 3)Inner peace 4)Friends 5)Food !! 6)Water !! P.S. Chocolate, Cigars, PC, Affection (Any kind), Cellphone, xxx :)! Female orgasm and occasionally squirting!

You can see where this is going.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
I really DO like sex and i DO like kinky stuff BUT life’s not always about sex. I try to have deeper “attachments” with a sex partner than just having sex.
I’m getting head right now.and it is great!!!!

You should message me if
You want someone to talk with and not have sex. Except if you’re a girl and you’r bi, maybe my girlfriend likes you :-) or me :-) or both :-)))
just need anything to ask about sex….remember just asking!!i am tha sexmasta!!!

Not only did this guy not meet ANY of my prerequisites, but his profile is the most contradictory and ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen.

Take note: Profiles can also be creepy. Creepy as hell.

Firstly, I am not 19, I am 43, and am a sincere gentleman (not sure why this website won’t let me change it…working on it lol). I am also dominant in the bedroom. I am into fetish, but it is not my whole life. I am into music, sports (both playing and going to watch) theatre, art, music…and am looking for my match…..

I am looking for a lady, with a naughty dark side, but who can be a lady…a lady who has the soul of a poet…who is warm, sensual and fun…I want a partner who is loving and exploratory, and knows how to dress and how to be…

I saw you and had to tell you, that you are quite delicious and I am intrigued.

I am one who only plays safely, sanely and consensually. I am also looking for a lady, who knows how to be by my side at the theatre, an opera, at a work related function, who will be herself in all…and who will grow under my wing. I am looking for a women who has a poetic soul….is it you?

So while that sounds perhaps a little forward…it is me…your move..

Yeah I get it, you want a lady in public and a “slut” between the sheets. Man, I love messages from men 20 years older than me that combine the I’m-a-gentleman speech with thinly veiled “let me fuck you despite the fact that we’ve never met” talk. I think it’s really classy.

Subject: my god u r so dam hot

i need to cum in my bed sweety all night long bb i wanna please u sexy

Even after my attempts to grammatically extrapolate, this message still failed to make sense.

But how am I supposed to receive oral when YOU DON’T HAVE A FACE?

i have this move where i pin you tits down on the bed, the shove my huge cock DEEP into your pussy.
Then i would slowly move it around and put my chest against your back.
Occasionally id take this monster out, walk around and get lovely head from your lovely head.
Id return it to your pussy and jam for half hour more, and if you want bam all over your face.

[He then signs off with what I assume is his real name, not the pseudonym paying homage to his penis size]

Hello, [real name]. See, this is how a message usually begins. You can choose any salutation you want (hi, bonjour, hey, how are you, yo bitch wazzup, etc.), but you have to use one. That’s just the polite thing to do. Having someone say “Hey, how are you? Would you like a Hot Carl?” is still better than “Would you like a Hot Carl?” Haven’t you ever written a letter? Given your sporadic use of capitalization, I doubt it.

I want to thank you for the lovely description of what I can expect from having sex with you, which would be roughly the same as what I would expect from a 16-year-old who learned all his moves from pornography. If your messaging me with an imaginary sexcapade wasn’t enough to deter me, the unoriginal content surely would. Also, I’m a little confused. I can’t tell if you’re using “bam” as a verb (like “BAM! All over your face!”) or a noun (like “semen”). A little punctuation would have saved me this confusion, so keep that in mind the next time you’re e-seducing.

Sincerely,

Me