Submitter writes: Received this a while back on OkCupid. It was unforgettable.

hello my name is [name] i was born [birthdate] in [city] i grew up in [city] i have light blonde hair blue eyes/glasses i will be 38 in a week from now i like to watch movies collect things like wolves and dolphins i like to listen to alison krauss air supply and john denver i also have bi polar and im taking meds for it im a lonely single guy looking for a lonely single good looking girl if your interested in me i will never hurt you will never lie and will never cheat on you i need someone who will accept me for who i am

Dear reader,

After some considerable sleuthing, we believe we have managed to identify your gentleman caller. See below for details.

Sincerely,

Trip & Tesla

Submitter writes:

I got this a couple of months ago and laughed so hard I couldn’t even delete it.

Subject: hey sexy

I am not sure what you are here for but i’m here for a fantasy..your profile piqued my interest and you sound like a cool person but the main reason i’m reaching out is because you are very attractive and obviously that is the biggest part of making this a reality. Btw I am not talking about tying you up to the ceiling and jumping from a trampoline to lick your honey covered body or anything crazy like that. I’ve never met someone off the net, and 2 relationships have taken most of my life so since I was 16 was taken until 5 months ago and I’m fiercely loyal so I never did anything like this even though I had plenty chances. In a way I guess I want to get out of my element and spice things up a little. We would have to get to know each other on the phone and obviously if we meet up there has to be chemistry. I’m not talking about sex but is pretty much whatever happens happens. Part of it is for you to get off and me too ofcourse. It would be the lamest fantasy in the world if that didn’t happen. I’m also not talking about a one time thing.. Let me know what you think and if you would be interested!=D @}>–

Tesla says: I don’t know what to rip apart first: that he didn’t even describe what kind of fantasy he was looking for, or that “I’m not talking about sex” is followed by “part of it is for you to get off and me too of course.” Is he after phone sex? I don’t get it, and I’m not sure he does either.

Trip says: Ease up, you guys. All he wants is romance. The ASCII is obvious. @}>–

Subject: oh 0h oh

I wish to make love to your frail body, to caress your pale limbs and tongue your unshaven face.. I want to wear your glasses on my upper thigh as I straddle your nerdbulge (note: this totally exists, proven fact nerdy men have huge bulges) and rock us both to climax.

His response:

Nerdbulge, how clever!! This might just be intriguing… if a laundry list of items from her profile did not include the following nuggets:

• “I am bulemic.”
• “I currently live in a homeless shelter.”
• “I haven’t eaten much in the last year since my husband told me he had to cringe every time we had sex.”

Tesla says: As someone who can vouch for the existence of the nerdbulge, I think this woman’s message is amazing. It’s creepy, but the sheer creativity offsets the forwardness and makes it hilarious. Too bad she’s crazy.

Trip says: Luckily for you, she married the wrong man.

Submitter writes:

Although I like to think that my profile was relatively tame, something about it seems to have attracted the following spurt of poetic ejaculation.

She stood silently..motionlessly. Facing a wooden wall cross, she lowered her eyes and opened her heart. She waited. A smell rose to her nostrils, an essence – familiar yet new – her heart jumped in her chest.. and her mind raced. A smell.. a Man.

He approached her with the grace and stealth of a panther.. Dark.. mysterious.. ominously calculating. In spite of her efforts, her breath quickened. She tried desperately to keep control of her body. It was no longer hers.

He did not touch her skin, but instead pushed the hair away from the nape of her neck with one steady finger.. She felt naked. She shuddered, cursing herself for allowing that natural reaction to happen. It betrayed her calm
exterior.. and yet, as it revealed her – it released her.. freed her to explore. She smiled.

His breath caressed her neck, never touching her now warm flesh. She wanted desperately to turn.. to face him.. to look away from the base of the cross, where her gaze had been directed.. moments before. She remained still. And she waited.

It felt like an eternity before he touched her skin.. she was so eager to feel his touch against her that she strained the muscles in her back to meet his hands behind her. He pulled away.. retaining the control and revelling in it. She sighed heavily, letting go of some of the pent up energy and the last bit of control. Her shoulders did not fall, but inside she knew she would have to learn patience to gain pleasure and peace.

He kissed her bare neck..scorching it with his lips. Instinctively, she stood perfectly still.. showing him her desire to obey. He was pleased with her position and rewarded her with a touch.. a gentle, firm touch on both shoulders.. pulling her body back and toward his chest.. Her back lay against him.. and he reached around and caressed her breasts.. cupping them.. feeling
their weight and examining their softness. She kept her hands still at her sides, eyes lowered and half closed.. and watched as his hands explored her. He pinched. He probed, turning each tit up and dropping it .. then picking it up once more by the pink nipple and let it hang there.. She loved this.

Her sex was moist.. sticky between her parted legs… She felt her arousal growing and deepening.. and as she climbed, she became even more aware of her body.. her feet, her legs, the small of her back, her ribs, her shoulder blades.. every part of her was awake.

He held her nipples.. drawing them up and away from her body and she moaned loudly. He twisted them. He squeezed them. She came. She grabbed his thighs from behind her and bend down from the waist.. trying desperately to remain standing..

Would you enjoy being her? :)

I like to think that he sent this as a form letter to every girl on the site.

Trip says: I can see why you would like to think that.

Tesla says: It amuses me that this guy thinks women get excited at the scent of a “Man,” and furthermore, that we climax from nipple twisting. He totally gets us.

Submitter writes:

I was messaged a while back by this charmer on OkCupid.

Seems friendly enough. Here’s message #1. (“Way wicked awesome” is quoting a tongue-in-cheek line from my own profile, by the way.)

hi, I think you are “way wicked awesome”. I also went to [school name]. I really like your profile as you seem nice, thoughtful and socially and emotionally aware. Would you like to chat sometime? Let me know if you are interested in knowing more about me, including seeing a picture at some point. Bye!

A few days go by. As a full-time student working two jobs, I’m not always the most prompt person to reply, especially when someone lacks a profile photo. Apparently my silence was wise, anyhow, as he beat me to a response:

hahahaha I should’ve known better than to expect personality from a shallow desperate [school name] student…after all, for you “love” is always 99% stats. why bother going further once you know i’m not the athletic football player you always hoped to get fucked by but were too ugly to keep.

Amazing how he was able to get into my head like that… How ever did he know?

Just… wow.

Tesla says: Didn’t you realize that being on an online dating site means you’re on it all the time, that you don’t have a life, and you must respond immediately to everyone? But seriously, sour grapes indeed. I am loath to think of what happened to this man to give him such an inferiority complex. Good thing he went ahead and showed it before you messaged him back. He might have showed up to a date with roses and a chainsaw.

Trip says: “Love” is 99% dodging bullets like this one.