Subject: hi

woH ! yo yu soundsa very interesting miss nice to great yu to say it PlainLy snappy very nice wordz structure you hav i appreciate originaL creative peopLes that percieve themseLves with the notion and possabiLitie of the chances of oLd soaL or past Lives and dreams i finD peopLe that think aLong these lines much more nutritionaL for conversating purposes lol freshLey inspiring i like yur smiLe… so i wouLd hav to guess you are sumwhat of a aristocatish women in a way?? lol i’m a virgo born on the cusp first day of fall anyway you hav really nice eyes for reaLL aLity im a cLever artist and illustrate anything sweeepn emotions and highLy imaginitive and i purfurr fuN !! more so then mostt hii and bye bye

This message was relatively inoffensive, but reminded me of this one and how much it made my brain hurt. Fail.

Subject: Great Line

Were your parents retarded? ‘Cause you’re special.

Believe it or not, I hear things like this often.

Subject: hey there

Hi honestly i have to ask you this. why a girl that looks like you and have So much to offer with that great smile and does eyes Will ever be looking for MR right. is the world nuts or Wat. honestly. you amazed me. not to be cheese or anything but. woao. Wat you doing this weekend? any plans..

Honestly, you amazed me too.

Woao. Does eyes hurt or Wat.

Subject: beautiful u are..

This message contained the standard, “U r stunning. Would u like to go for coffee sometime?” body text of most other mass appeal pickup lines — which, I can only assume, must be more effective on the average human female than the hopelessly nerdy subsection I belong to.

Tragically, the author is almost certainly unaware of the unintentional appeal he has garnered with his Yoda-like dialogue. Had his message only referenced my resplendent midi-chlorian count or his affinity for interstellar travel, we could be celebrating on the sanctuary moon right now.

Subject:WoW

i just looked through your profile,and my brain feals like it just ran a marithon slow down

I bet it does, dude. I bet it does.

Subject: Nice bottle of wine ($25)

An upscale hotel room with a view ($225)
The right woman to enjoy a wonderful evening with (priceless)

If you are adventurous, vivacious and fun, let me know….

You already paid the price – in dignity.

Subject: SxE

Do you have lips like Morphine?

What a ridiculous question. Obviously, if I was sXe, I would refrain from recreational drug use.

Subject: greetings

Hey luv, just please to introduce thyself to such beauty and a bonafide man not boy is here to cater to you and treat you like a real woman.

Good morrow, sir. While I am flatter’d, I pray thee not message me again.

Subject: …

I guess u r lost bcoz I just saw the most wanted angles’ list and u r on top..

I thought I’d never see a pick up line that was worse than this one. Clearly I was mistaken, for I am now blessed with the most wanted “angles.”

Subject: Hey Beautiful

You must be going to hell, because it’s a sin to look so good.

This is undoubtedly in the upper echelon of awful pickup lines, right along with “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” and “You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all night.”