1THICKR0D: Are you a FUCKER, or a TALKER

I want to believe that the success rate of messages such as this is in the low decimal points of a tiny fraction of a marginal percentage… but if that were truly the case, they wouldn’t keep on coming.

Perhaps we ought to be examining this social scenario from a diametric angle: Who is responding to these messages in a manner that suggests such obnoxiousness is erotic, or even acceptable?

I’d like to meet her and tell her that this website is all her fault.

Subject: Great Line

Were your parents retarded? ‘Cause you’re special.

Believe it or not, I hear things like this often.

Submitter writes: Received this a while back on OkCupid. It was unforgettable.

hello my name is [name] i was born [birthdate] in [city] i grew up in [city] i have light blonde hair blue eyes/glasses i will be 38 in a week from now i like to watch movies collect things like wolves and dolphins i like to listen to alison krauss air supply and john denver i also have bi polar and im taking meds for it im a lonely single guy looking for a lonely single good looking girl if your interested in me i will never hurt you will never lie and will never cheat on you i need someone who will accept me for who i am

Dear reader,

After some considerable sleuthing, we believe we have managed to identify your gentleman caller. See below for details.

Sincerely,

Trip & Tesla

Subject: Red rum

I like how you colour your eyebrows pink, it’s hot…not many girls go that extra mile.

If I saw you in the streets, I’d ask you if the carpet matches the drapes, the last girl I asked said “actually, it does!” and Im willing to bet it’s the same with you.*

*I’m willing to bet that never actually happened… or, if indeed it did, that her reaction wasn’t nearly as pleasant as you make it out to be.

Shockingly inappropriate crotch contemplations aside, I would like to draw attention to the truly disturbing portion of this message. Red rum? RED RUM?!

Subject: hi

may i live with you?

As it turns out, unsolicited marriage proposals are quite commonplace in the realm of online dating. However, this is the first suitor to have taken the 38% divorce rate into consideration.

I’ve got to admit, he’s on to something. Why bother with all of that wedding hullabaloo? Hell, while we’re at it, let’s skip the getting-to-know-each-other part, too.

Obviously I had to click on the link. Christmas may be over, but I was hoping to catch a glimpse of some holiday junk. Unfortunately, this was all I saw when I logged in:

Sorry, dude. The faint outline of your somewhat impressive penis just doesn’t do it for me. Maybe I’ll check back in a few hours.

Subject: hi
Hi you are kinda cute but you have that weird look about haha, I would like to get to know you, you are not a stalker or anything like that are you LMAO?

Yeah, you’ve got me all figured out. Your message was so amazing that I’ll be outside of your window with a telescope in five.

Subject: friend or foe??

hi , there i’m looking for friend here , not sh***ing not joking
so let me know

I don’t joke about making friends either. Friends and jokes absolutely do not mix. That shit is serious.

I sincerely hope that you are not sh***ing, whatever sh***ing is. It sounds like it could be painful and/or dangerous.

Subject: hi

ms i won’t even try, but i want to…

Are you saying that you want to hit on me, but you’re just too lazy? That’s a shame, because the “lay-down-and-die” attitude is a total turn-on.

Submitter writes:

I got this a couple of months ago and laughed so hard I couldn’t even delete it.

Subject: hey sexy

I am not sure what you are here for but i’m here for a fantasy..your profile piqued my interest and you sound like a cool person but the main reason i’m reaching out is because you are very attractive and obviously that is the biggest part of making this a reality. Btw I am not talking about tying you up to the ceiling and jumping from a trampoline to lick your honey covered body or anything crazy like that. I’ve never met someone off the net, and 2 relationships have taken most of my life so since I was 16 was taken until 5 months ago and I’m fiercely loyal so I never did anything like this even though I had plenty chances. In a way I guess I want to get out of my element and spice things up a little. We would have to get to know each other on the phone and obviously if we meet up there has to be chemistry. I’m not talking about sex but is pretty much whatever happens happens. Part of it is for you to get off and me too ofcourse. It would be the lamest fantasy in the world if that didn’t happen. I’m also not talking about a one time thing.. Let me know what you think and if you would be interested!=D @}>–

Tesla says: I don’t know what to rip apart first: that he didn’t even describe what kind of fantasy he was looking for, or that “I’m not talking about sex” is followed by “part of it is for you to get off and me too of course.” Is he after phone sex? I don’t get it, and I’m not sure he does either.

Trip says: Ease up, you guys. All he wants is romance. The ASCII is obvious. @}>–