Subject: hey there

Hi honestly i have to ask you this. why a girl that looks like you and have So much to offer with that great smile and does eyes Will ever be looking for MR right. is the world nuts or Wat. honestly. you amazed me. not to be cheese or anything but. woao. Wat you doing this weekend? any plans..

Honestly, you amazed me too.

Woao. Does eyes hurt or Wat.

Subject:WoW

i just looked through your profile,and my brain feals like it just ran a marithon slow down

I bet it does, dude. I bet it does.

Subject: SxE

Do you have lips like Morphine?

What a ridiculous question. Obviously, if I was sXe, I would refrain from recreational drug use.

…okay okay awesome beautiful sexy penguin i should really go do something else. have a good life.
[name]

btw taht last line wasn’t supposed to be a name directed at you. i wasn’t refering to you as an awesome beautiful sexy penguin. because that would be flirtatious or something and thats not allowed at all.

im gay actually. yeah. super gay. thats what they tell me at least…

i dont really believe it…

lol so ive already said bye twice and yet here i am.. still writing.. 

wait. parts of this letter are getting far too complimentary, flirtatious wahtever.

you’re an ugly bitch.

there that should about even things out. no? not at all. 

im an ugly bitch. i put the bitch in lint. what?

I can only assume that he was drunk. It’s the only excuse.

subject: hi

there are some special people in this world. people who when i walk by on the street or come upon a photo i’m left with a lost for words or can only whisper ‘wow!’.
i just had this reaction to seeing your profile photos.
seriously, you’re hot!
you’re by far the most attractive person i’ve seen on this site
if you do not respond i’ll be very heart broken.
what must a guy do to earn the opportunty to call you girlfriend? your photos are absolutley beyond amazing. god certainly created you using his own hands. i’d not wish for this much in this lifetime.
i’d welcome the opportunity to have a conversation with you.
do you have time to chat?
regards

I can’t decide whether this is genuine flattery or a job application.

If there’s anything we’ve stressed to an insane degree at NTC, it’s how creepy you sound when you only talk about physical appearance. You’ve never even met me. For all you know, I’m just incredibly photogenic and I’m a secret internet fatty. Don’t go giving your heart away just yet.

And as if this message wasn’t nauseating enough to read once, this man sent it to me again. Twice.

Subject: Hi!!!

now what!!!! you have my heart ;) so what you want to do with me?save me by sharing your heart with me or leave me to die without heart??

attachment: poorly designed graphic of a heart

Ah, love at first sight. How romantic. This Casanova may claim I’ve stolen his heart (and even sent me an e-version of it), but his profile tells me he might not be as sweet as he seems: “if u are mamas girl don’t talk with me :P.” I’m not even sure what that means, but it seems dirty.

As if the cheesy message wasn’t working against him already, this guy looks like Pavel the Lover, who has accosted me in public and given me his business card not once or twice, but three times. How lucky I am to be surrounded by so many gentlemen.

Subject: hey sup

Hey how are you doing, hows your day been going so far?
So what brings you onto pof what are you looking for, if you dont mind me asking? You have a very cute smile btw.
Anyway hope to hear from you,
talk to you later

Five days later…

Subject: hi

Hey how are you doing, hows your day been going so far?
So what brings you onto pof what are you looking for, if you dont mind me asking? You have a very cute smile btw.
Anyway hope to hear from you,
talk to you later

The lesson here is obvious. Rampant copy+pasting will make you look like even more of a douchebag than your greased hair, gold chains and photos of [what is supposedly] your motorcycle.

I would also like to note that I am not smiling in any of my profile photos.

Subject: Whose the lucky bastard…

…who gets to lie down next to you naked?

This is the first man to have observed that I am listed as being in a relationship! That he also managed to incorporate this acknowledgment into a sleazy pick-up line, I must admit, is mildly impressive.

Subject: none
After a rigorously brief overview of your profile I wanted to let
you know I have already married and divorced you in my mind.

Thanks for all the wonderful imaginary memories… you will always
have a special place in my heart.

your ex-hubby,

[name]

How does one manage to do anything rigorously and briefly? Were you skimming at an alarming speed and somehow taking it all in, thinking about it, really examining my writing? 

I’m not sure what’s more flattering: the fact that you skimmed my profile rather than read it;  or that after reading what little made it to your brain, you decided that I am worthy of both marriage and divorce; or that you felt compelled to tell me that, not realizing it comes off as an insult.

For a man who describes himself as “witty,” I’m very disappointed – after all, we had such a bright future. I guess now I’ll never know. Sigh.

Capt*an Cunnilingus: holly sh*tyou look like a sh*tload of fun.. ok forget the sex crap, lets just hang out!

Finally — someone who likes me for me!

This cunning linguist has obviously had enough experience with women to know that the Jam & Bam method is not always effective. He has adapted, evolved… and now censors his choice words, in keeping with my antiquated predilections. He has even taken a further step to clarify that copulation is no longer a priority in terms of our involvement! How fortunate I am, to have charmed such an erudite man.

According to his profile, our first date will consist of him “landing face first in the fun zone” and me “squirting like a sprinkler”.
I can’t imagine a more wholesome way of connecting with someone!