Subject: hi

may i live with you?

As it turns out, unsolicited marriage proposals are quite commonplace in the realm of online dating. However, this is the first suitor to have taken the 38% divorce rate into consideration.

I’ve got to admit, he’s on to something. Why bother with all of that wedding hullabaloo? Hell, while we’re at it, let’s skip the getting-to-know-each-other part, too.

Obviously I had to click on the link. Christmas may be over, but I was hoping to catch a glimpse of some holiday junk. Unfortunately, this was all I saw when I logged in:

Sorry, dude. The faint outline of your somewhat impressive penis just doesn’t do it for me. Maybe I’ll check back in a few hours.

Occasionally I will receive a message from an individual who has acknowledged this fact but remains unfazed, as below:

Subject: :D

not looking ? what is that all about ?

lets meet up for a drink and discuss it

I must say that I admire this brazen approach. In the world of e-communications, there is a very fine line between determination and aggression, just as there is between humility and hopelessness; wit and contempt. The author in question managed to state his intent, boldly and succinctly, while narrowly avoiding the precipice that would have plunged him into the Realm of the Pretentious Dirtbag.

Of course, this attempt was no more successful than the rest.. but that may be related to the fact that I am a stone-cold bitch with a hole for a heart. Or perhaps the fact that I am truly not single / not looking.

A wonderfully awkward parody tape by Jon Lajoie. Enjoy.

Subject: hi
hey there if i offered u money to watch me masterbate would u be intrested?

Wait, wait — hold the motherfucking phone. There are guys out there who get off on someone watching them get off? This could be my most lucrative business idea yet! I wonder how much he’s willing to pay. Will I have to show my face (a la webcam or Skype), or can I just pretend to watch? Is the domain iwillwatchyoujerkoff.com already taken? I mean, let’s say I can get $100 for what’s probably 5 minutes (tops) of my time — in which I wouldn’t actually watch the dirty deed — that’s an offer I can’t refuse.

Trip, I think I’ve just found our get-rich plan.

some username with candles and wine: Any interest in a mature man?

See, this guy knows what’s up. He accepts his age and even asks if you’re interested in old balls before getting dirty! This kind of confidence is what separates the silver fox from the creepy oldster. The username, however, makes me think he’s the guy who learned all his bedroom moves from early 90s slow jams.