Subject: Hell bitch. I’ll be your much older friend.

We can hang out.

I wear a motherfucking chicken suit. And I use it to play pranks on my local KFC. I go around their store saying “I’m a chicken on steroids!” They call the cops. I run for it down the streets. The cops are forced to chase a man in a chicken suit. I get tasered and start crying. People put it up on youtube. I become a celebrity.

I think what we have together could at least be friendship, but at the very most be true love with lots of mini-golf and butt-sex.

And that would be awesome. Cause I’m really good at mini-golf.

Motherfucker.

Rarely do I receive a message so brilliant that I almost wish I was available and could go on a date with its sender. This is one of those messages.

Subject: hi

woH ! yo yu soundsa very interesting miss nice to great yu to say it PlainLy snappy very nice wordz structure you hav i appreciate originaL creative peopLes that percieve themseLves with the notion and possabiLitie of the chances of oLd soaL or past Lives and dreams i finD peopLe that think aLong these lines much more nutritionaL for conversating purposes lol freshLey inspiring i like yur smiLe… so i wouLd hav to guess you are sumwhat of a aristocatish women in a way?? lol i’m a virgo born on the cusp first day of fall anyway you hav really nice eyes for reaLL aLity im a cLever artist and illustrate anything sweeepn emotions and highLy imaginitive and i purfurr fuN !! more so then mostt hii and bye bye

This message was relatively inoffensive, but reminded me of this one and how much it made my brain hurt. Fail.

Subject:WoW

i just looked through your profile,and my brain feals like it just ran a marithon slow down

I bet it does, dude. I bet it does.

Obviously I had to click on the link. Christmas may be over, but I was hoping to catch a glimpse of some holiday junk. Unfortunately, this was all I saw when I logged in:

Sorry, dude. The faint outline of your somewhat impressive penis just doesn’t do it for me. Maybe I’ll check back in a few hours.

Subject: hi
Hi you are kinda cute but you have that weird look about haha, I would like to get to know you, you are not a stalker or anything like that are you LMAO?

Yeah, you’ve got me all figured out. Your message was so amazing that I’ll be outside of your window with a telescope in five.

Subject: greetings

Hey luv, just please to introduce thyself to such beauty and a bonafide man not boy is here to cater to you and treat you like a real woman.

Good morrow, sir. While I am flatter’d, I pray thee not message me again.

Subject: Hi :)

Just wondering if you can help me come up with ways to imrprove my grammer and spelling (other than reading! lol)

*face palm*

People who don’t read should never message me. Ever.

Subject: …

I guess u r lost bcoz I just saw the most wanted angles’ list and u r on top..

I thought I’d never see a pick up line that was worse than this one. Clearly I was mistaken, for I am now blessed with the most wanted “angles.”

I wonder what kind of messages we’d get if this site actually existed.

Courtesy of the Rick Mercer Report.

…okay okay awesome beautiful sexy penguin i should really go do something else. have a good life.
[name]

btw taht last line wasn’t supposed to be a name directed at you. i wasn’t refering to you as an awesome beautiful sexy penguin. because that would be flirtatious or something and thats not allowed at all.

im gay actually. yeah. super gay. thats what they tell me at least…

i dont really believe it…

lol so ive already said bye twice and yet here i am.. still writing.. 

wait. parts of this letter are getting far too complimentary, flirtatious wahtever.

you’re an ugly bitch.

there that should about even things out. no? not at all. 

im an ugly bitch. i put the bitch in lint. what?

I can only assume that he was drunk. It’s the only excuse.