Nice try, creep.

For days I have struggled with the thought of posting this, convinced it must be an elaborate hoax. But I’ve arrived at the conclusion that it’s all too real, for the following reasons:

1. It is long and descriptive, which means a significant amount of time was put into composing it. Jokers are rarely that committed. He has also tried to appeal to my demonstrated love of the 80s.
2. All self-effacing humour is immediately buffeted by positive comments — the potential success of which is then predictably dashed at the end by mention of his oral prowess (a mistake many over-eager males tend to make).
3. “I’m overweight, balding and live in my mother’s basement, LOL! Let’s date!!” = Not funny. Not even a little bit.

Subject: I luv fruit & 80’s music

You have an interesting profile. Platinum Blonde????

Here is my story. I am an overweight balding gentleman that has had little to no experience with women. However, I consider myself fairly romantic. I credit my charm and charisma to watching Young & the Restless and Days of Our Lives for several years now. I am stuck in the 80’s and prefer women with teased hair, leg warmers, and excessive amounts of jewellery. I fancy myself as an adventurous man as I like to watch Survivor. My hobbies include reruns of Family Feud and slow cooker recipes. I like my wine dry, red and from a drinking box. Although I am unemployed and live in my Mothers basement I do consider myself ambitious. I hope to one day become a sandwich artist or coffee consultant. I am looking for conversation with an adult other than my Mother and public transit workers.

My dream date would include intimate conversation over a Starbuck ‘s triple espressos with 5 creams, 4 sugars and a hint of cinnamon while splitting a lemon tart with whip cream.

I absolutely luv to perform oral on a woman. Any bites???

I shower often with soap, shampoo and conditioner. I also floss regularly.

Regards,
Hopelessly looking for affection and friendship.