Nice try, creep.

Subject: Hey Angel! Lets Chat!

Hi Sexy Cutie! WOW! You’re a bombshell and I’m standing in the middle of the blast zone completely blown away! In your case drop dead sexy gorgeous is an understatement! Excuse me while I get the tow motor to pick my jaw up off the floor!

Pet names, onomatopoeic exclamations, ill-fitted metaphors… this message was carefully structured to appeal to all my womanly sensibilities. And yet… why is it that I’ve not been reduced to a quivering mess of flesh and nerves?

I’ll wager it has something to do with the absence of proper punctuation, improper capitalization and the overwhelming feeling of hapless desperation that the author has so succinctly conveyed.

Excuse me while I get the tow motor to put an end to your misery.