Nice try, creep.

i have this move where i pin you tits down on the bed, the shove my huge cock DEEP into your pussy.
Then i would slowly move it around and put my chest against your back.
Occasionally id take this monster out, walk around and get lovely head from your lovely head.
Id return it to your pussy and jam for half hour more, and if you want bam all over your face.

[He then signs off with what I assume is his real name, not the pseudonym paying homage to his penis size]

Hello, [real name]. See, this is how a message usually begins. You can choose any salutation you want (hi, bonjour, hey, how are you, yo bitch wazzup, etc.), but you have to use one. That’s just the polite thing to do. Having someone say “Hey, how are you? Would you like a Hot Carl?” is still better than “Would you like a Hot Carl?” Haven’t you ever written a letter? Given your sporadic use of capitalization, I doubt it.

I want to thank you for the lovely description of what I can expect from having sex with you, which would be roughly the same as what I would expect from a 16-year-old who learned all his moves from pornography. If your messaging me with an imaginary sexcapade wasn’t enough to deter me, the unoriginal content surely would. Also, I’m a little confused. I can’t tell if you’re using “bam” as a verb (like “BAM! All over your face!”) or a noun (like “semen”). A little punctuation would have saved me this confusion, so keep that in mind the next time you’re e-seducing.

Sincerely,

Me