Nice try, creep.

Subject: Hell bitch. I’ll be your much older friend.

We can hang out.

I wear a motherfucking chicken suit. And I use it to play pranks on my local KFC. I go around their store saying “I’m a chicken on steroids!” They call the cops. I run for it down the streets. The cops are forced to chase a man in a chicken suit. I get tasered and start crying. People put it up on youtube. I become a celebrity.

I think what we have together could at least be friendship, but at the very most be true love with lots of mini-golf and butt-sex.

And that would be awesome. Cause I’m really good at mini-golf.

Motherfucker.

Rarely do I receive a message so brilliant that I almost wish I was available and could go on a date with its sender. This is one of those messages.

Subject: hi

woH ! yo yu soundsa very interesting miss nice to great yu to say it PlainLy snappy very nice wordz structure you hav i appreciate originaL creative peopLes that percieve themseLves with the notion and possabiLitie of the chances of oLd soaL or past Lives and dreams i finD peopLe that think aLong these lines much more nutritionaL for conversating purposes lol freshLey inspiring i like yur smiLe… so i wouLd hav to guess you are sumwhat of a aristocatish women in a way?? lol i’m a virgo born on the cusp first day of fall anyway you hav really nice eyes for reaLL aLity im a cLever artist and illustrate anything sweeepn emotions and highLy imaginitive and i purfurr fuN !! more so then mostt hii and bye bye

This message was relatively inoffensive, but reminded me of this one and how much it made my brain hurt. Fail.

Subject: Great Line

Were your parents retarded? ‘Cause you’re special.

Believe it or not, I hear things like this often.

Subject: hey there

Hi honestly i have to ask you this. why a girl that looks like you and have So much to offer with that great smile and does eyes Will ever be looking for MR right. is the world nuts or Wat. honestly. you amazed me. not to be cheese or anything but. woao. Wat you doing this weekend? any plans..

Honestly, you amazed me too.

Woao. Does eyes hurt or Wat.